how to sell a contradiction

At last we’re on our way, leaving that dust ball of boredom behind, hopefully en route to adventure, or maybe someplace nice to grab a bite. But all is not well aboard the good ship chrome-no-plot, for you see the Queen (disguised as her own handmaiden, how clever) is worried. A tense Padme reviews the message we saw earlier in the film about the horrible things happening on Naboo.

You know what this moment of quiet introspection needs? A heartwarming moment between a 9 year old boy and the 14 year old object of his affections. George is truly at the top of his game here. The delicacy with which he crafts the first shades of their relationship: Genius. Honestly though, the caliber of dialogue in this film makes one wonder exactly how George talks to people in his own day to day life. If this is his idea of natural dialogue then I suggest that George’s hyperdrive is leaking.

Who’s ready for some lack luster special effects? I know I am, which means we’re in luck because here comes Coruscant! The whole planet is one big city, how novel! Our heroes arrive and we finally get to meet Palpatine in person. Now, I know I’m really harsh on the prequels, but Ian McDiarmid is awesome. He just really sells his performance. It’s a shame he gets saddled with such terrible dialogue so much of the time, but it’s rare that anything he says doesn’t sound real and genuine, which is a total credit to his abilities as an actor. The meet and great with our heroes, Palpatine and the supreme chancellor is pretty stiff, but I have to tell you, It’s just a super thrill to see General Zod finally ruling the universe. Now, son of Jor-El. Kneel Before Zod!

Now that we’re safely on Coruscant its time to get into what we all find truly scintillating about the Star Wars universe: Politics. Basically Palpatine lets us know that the Republic is just a big cluster fuck of incompetence and the Queen reacts with her usual disinterest. Perhaps if Portman hadn’t been forced to speak with such a ridiculous accent the scenes would have worked better.

Jedi will make us feel better; let’s get ready for our first taste of the Jedi Order as a group. It’s not a very good taste. If I had to describe it, I would say it was the same falvour as a math test. The council just seems to be bunch of stuck up know-it-alls, hardly the sages I had expected. Something is clearly wrong with Yoda, as his cranial structure has undergone some alarming changes, and he’s clearly suffering from some manner of thyroid condition which leaves his eyeballs in danger of rocketing out of their sockets at any moment.

Let’s take a moment to talk about Mace Windu, the venerable Sir Samuel L. Jackson. I love Sam, I do. I think he’s great. He doesn’t belong here. He just doesn’t have the presence of a Jedi. Sam is wasted in these films. A bounty hunter, a smuggler, a tough as nails master-of-arms, anything would have worked out better than this. Sam is badass, but in the wrong way for a Jedi to be badass. He’s badass in the same vein as Han Solo, and he needs to be free from worries of falling to the dark side if h’ to be at his most effective in these films. In episode II Sam will be responsible for the destruction of the three colour system of lightsabres when he talks George into allowing him a Purple lightsabre. Boo.

Qui-Gon delivers his report to the council and tells them al about the super freaky Sith lord who attacked them. The council reacts to this news with mild disinterest and scoffing disbelief. Certainly the Sith could not have returned without them knowing about it they think. Honestly, the Jedi are portrayed as so arrogant in the prequels that when they finally do get wiped out by the machinations of the Sith it’s a fucking relief. The council dismisses Qui-Gon but the brutha’s got more to say. He lays it down about Anakin and the midichlorians and all that jazz. Sam tells us about the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the force. Let me just say I think the notion of Prophecy via the force is a train wreck. The future is a flowing river, constantly in change, the Jedi know this, Yoda tells us so in ESB.

Prophecy just doesn’t fit the force as it’s been established.

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~ by Pagz on June 26, 2008.

2 Responses to “how to sell a contradiction”

  1. lol @ “…then I suggest that George’s hyperdrive is leaking.”

    Enjoying and agreeing with most of your points.

    *continues reading*

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