It could be that the purpose of my life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Sometimes it seems like the whole Universe is just really pissed with me. No, that’s not right. If the Universe was only angry with me it would just be mean to me consistently. I think it would be more accurate to say that the Universe loathes me passionately and derives pleasure from orchestrating the events of my life to create a crescendo of misery.  Oh sure, the Universe may hate to see me content, but it endures my brief periods of happiness because it knows that the coming payoff of my abject misery will be all the more delicious for my having fallen so far.

Such being the case the Universe must be truly savoring my current fall. Never in my life before had I been so entirely happy. Which was great, unfortunately that means that when the Universe pulled the rug out from under me I fell further than I ever had previously. I’ve certainly never experienced depression severe enough to put me in the hospital before. It’s amazing what the mind can do to the body.

I tried going the anti-depressant route, but lets just say that I fall into the small percentage of people for whom anti-depressants… exacerbate the problem. So no help there. Really, this is no way to live. I sleep poorly, I wake up to stress vomits every day and I don’t eat much (being in my kitchen just makes me sad).  I spend my days trying to occupy my mind and not think about it, but it doesn’t work.

People try to help, and I appreciate it, but you can only hear “Everything happens for a reason” so many times in regard to someone you love hurting you before you just want to punch those well-meaning individuals right in their good intentions. It’s not that I don’t understand, it just hurts. If this is all part of some “plan” the Universe has, then I really don’t want to have anything to do with this Universe anymore. I don’t deserve this.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off if I just weren’t here at all.

~ by Pagz on October 9, 2008.

2 Responses to “It could be that the purpose of my life is only to serve as a warning to others.”

  1. *drives by* I Disagree!!! I don’t think you’d be better off. What would we do without you to bring cheer and laughter to us via bloggin and comic-ing? You’d just sit there in whatever metaphorical place people go do when they are no longer here and be bummed because we’d all be here going “I wish Geoff was here to bring a little more awesome to our lives.”

  2. Leish is right, you awesome-ify all of our lives. Geoffy, I know for a fact that a buuunch of people LOVE YOUR GUTS. If you are looking for something to occupy your mind, just think about that, and if that doesn’t make you feel a teeny bit better, well, then it sounds like time for a trip to chuck-e-cheese….

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