A kind of Update
I should have started looking after myself a lot sooner than this. It’s my own fault really. I have always spent too much time looking after and worrying about other people and never enough time giving the same attention or care to myself. As such, I really shouldn’t be surprised that I’ve reached the point I’m at now. Things get personal after the jump, if you don’t care to know I recommend not clicking.
Some of you know already. I’ve been trying to keep it kind of close, but maybe that isn’t healthy. This is what I am so I don’t suppose there’s truly any real point in trying to disguise it or hide it. A couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression as well as panic anxiety disorder. It’s something I’ve been fighting for years. I’ve always felt I should just be able to tough it out, like I had no real right to feel the way I did. Which is of course one of the cruel tricks of the disease, it makes you blame yourself for it and that prevents you from seeking treatment.
Even now, realizing and understanding all this I still feel defeated for having gone to my doctor, like I wasn’t strong enough to overcome this on my own. In fact when I first spoke to my doctor I downplayed a lot of my symptoms out of embarrassment and shame. Things kind of came to a head for me yesterday, and today I saw my doctor again and laid the whole thing out for him.
As of now I’m on 2 weeks medical leave from work. I’m not sure what’s going to happen at the end of that. I’ve let my personal well being get so far out of hand I’m not at all sure of anything anymore. I’m going to try to spend this time getting myself into some semblance of order, but I doubt 2 weeks is truly sufficient for that. Still, it’ll be a start. I’ve talked to my mom about some coming changes in my life. It’s good to know my parents are behind me. I haven’t always felt like it, but again that’s the depression.
So, there I am.