So this is me at the end of 2011

It will come as no surprise to most of you that my life, such as it is, hasn’t been on a very good trajectory for quite some time. I’ve made numerous plans to remedy this, many of which you can find on this very blog. The thing about plans is that they’re easy to make but they’re hard to implement. There are a lot of factors in my life, both internal and external, that make it difficult to implement change. That’s not an excuse, at the end of the day I’m responsible for everything I’ve said or done, or not done as the case may be.

It hasn’t always been this way. There was a time when I was actually relatively on top of things. There was a time when I produced my comic on a regular basis, when I was gainfully employed, when my blog was updated on a daily basis. There was a time when my personal life was coming up Millhouse and my health and habits were steadily improving.

It didn’t all fall apart at once. It was more of a slow collapse, like several load bearing pillars of my life were compromised; it was just a matter of time before the whole thing would come down. It was probably even preventable, had I been clever enough to see the signs.

2007 and 2008 were bad years for me. Easily the worst 2 years of my life. Not all the way through obviously, and in fact both of those years also contain some of the best moments of my life too. In the end however, it was the personally traumatic events of that 2 year stretch from which I have never actually recovered. That’s life though, shit happens. I’m not blaming the state of my life on the external factors which impacted me in those years. I am responsible for my own life. The mistakes I’ve made since then are my own doing. What I’m trying to do here is acknowledge how deeply and severely those events effected me. I want to move on.

I’m feeling like things are starting to look up. I’ve been making a lot of positive steps recently. Despite the fact that I am, technically speaking, at about the lowest point I have ever really been in my life currently: Unemployed, dealing with the bureaucratic nightmare of attempting to receive government assistance, diagnosed with major depression disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and diabetes.

I’ve spent the past 18 months exploring various treatments with my doctor and now a psychiatrist as well, trying to find a regimen that works for me and will allow me to… I was going to say get back to work, but it’s about more than that. It’s more about reclaiming my life. Being able to not just work, but to live again.

For the first time in ages now I actually feel kind of optimistic. I can see some of the pieces in my life that were broken beginning to heal. I woke up early this morning, very early. It’s the first time in ages that I’ve actually woken up and felt like I wanted to get out of bed, like I wasn’t still exhausted. It’s probably nothing, but I’m going to take it as a good sign anyway.

Alrighty, it’s 7am now, time to get busy and actually do something constructive with my day. Cleaning the apartment sounds like a good start.

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~ by Pagz on December 3, 2011.

One Response to “So this is me at the end of 2011”

  1. Sometimes I think my super power is speaking too soon.

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